Do you know me?
Are you sure you know me?
I dun even know myself...

Today i finally know why i hated crowded place so much.

Have u ever walked along a busy street, filled with people rushing around from place to place, talking so loudly and laughing happily. Yet at the same time, u can hear nothing and feel nothing. Just walking aimlessly around, as if the place was totally empty and quiet. In fact, it becomes so so so so empty that it hoolows u from within, making u feel cold under the sorching sun...it makes u feel so weird and out of place, that u just have an urge to scream and shout out loudly on the road...

I think i might just go crazy if i experience it once more...

So as a crowd hater, why have i done such a cock thing to walk there alone...

Because i wanted to surprise her at her dance class. I just had this urge to give her flowers, blue roses...my, and her fav. So wat happen was that i woke up at 10am, despite sleeping at 4 plus...ok i know it's not too difficult lar...but given the sleepy nature of my to sleep till 12 at least, that's quite good le...

So i considered for so so so so so long about that, like if it will affect her relationship now, wat will she think...blah blah blah, all the shit that i never had to do so...before, i decided not to give flowers...too obvious...i decided to get her some dried orange peel...since she complained that the chinese medicine was too bitter...i tot it would help...

In the end, i was late. When she called me after her lessons, i was still on the way. But her handphone went gone case. As a result, when i reached there, she was gone...i tried to call her...low batt....so this stupid guy just wondered elsewhere around, with this packet of dried orange peel...and not wanting to eat it, still hoping for a miracle that oh, we might bump on the street....talk cock man me.....

I think we really dun have fate man...i can bump into my men which i haven met for 6 months, Jie Wen and Ronald...i can bump into Vernon, i haven met for like 2 years plus...u just cant meet the person on ur mind...

Luckily Jeffrey saved me from going bonkus...

So when we were eating he sort of found out about me and her from my dearest ming jian man...it's ok lar...i just feel weird to be topic of discussion...i guess they were just concern...or maybe they just had nothing to do and laughing at my stupidity...its ok, as long as they treasure their relationship better than me after learning this lesson.

So i told him i wanted to bring flowers but in the end brought dried orange peel, yet never met her.

He was like, "oh, lucky u didn't bring flowers, like so will cause her boyfriend to be jealous lar..."

I told him i did considered that lar...this was so not lixiang like lar...i usually dun give a damn about other people's feeling one, but this time, i did...i surprised myself...because i didn't want to cause trouble in her life with her boyfriend now...cause she seems happy...she said she is. It's just that i m so afraid that anything i do might create friction for them, and she will be sad once more if they quarrel...because of my appearance again...

Jeff added one simple comment "So u are the only one sad now?"

I said "no lar, she's happy rite. i'm ok lor."

I was amazed at how i always manage to simplify my problems when discussing them to seem so cant be bothered, yet i always am very bothered with it lar...such a simple dialog, but it contains something probably so profound, that some people wouldnt understand all their life and would never agree to it, that loving someone is actually feeling happy for them, even when u are not part of their happiness...
I actually hate it when i feel pissed off just because i feel that her boyfriend's not taking good care of her...and i mean really pissed off...

I never wanted to have this kind of feelings and never wanted to act noble or wat...cant i just be a selfish freak or super bastard that does care a damn about how others feel...somtimes i hate myself for that.

Plus...this song kept playing on m MP3 player, it just locked onto my situation and was super saddening...

你是否忘记了
那时候的笑容
如果我已不在你心中
舍不得为什么
你说过的以后
留下我能不能圆梦
那天空云很多
看不见你的轮廓
只剩下太多来不及说

(是我你好吗 没什么事 只是想知道你好不好
这是我最后一次打给你了希望你好好照顾自己)

不说出的温柔
让你离开我
我以为你都会懂
等着你
我才发现难过

很难说有没有
想念过你的手
可能是我不愿去触碰
不记得本来你
有没有擦口红
反正是我已经错过
那天空云很多
看不见你的轮廓
剩下太多来不及说
想哭的冲动
开始在失去以后
才等着你的手
拥抱我的寂寞
该说的时候
早应该大声的说
那种认真的沉默
弄巧成拙

不说出的温柔
让你离开我
我以为你都会懂
想哭的冲动
开始在失去以后
已经擦干了泪
为何还有点痛
该说的时候
早应该大声的说
爱已经留下缺口
剩下沉默
不说出的温柔
让你离开我
去拥抱你要的梦
别担心我
我会好好过

I had to find some babies photo to look at to cheer me up...haha...this collection of orphange baby girls photos in black and white...super nice and cute...looking at them really made me smile...It's called 妹妹, there's one book left on Kinokuniya book store in Taka. Can take a look if u want.

Anyway, the moral of the story is that, i was just not meant to fall in love.




I wanted to post it elsewhere secretly, but that blog's all my chinese writings. So i had to post it here...i finally know why some of my fellow blogger friends choose to remain anonymous...but i guess, it's my story anyway...but if anyone's reading this, DUN DISCUSS THIS WITH ME AS IT WILL PISS ME OFF...i dun want to make any comment on it either.

IGNORE ME FOR THE MOMENT, I WILL GET OVER IT SOON...I HOPE